Speaking With Your Teen in Truth & Love – Inspirational Reads Chapter 2

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I have been a mom for 15 years, and not only that, I am a mom of eight. This is a unique position to be in because not only have I navigated the waters of having toddlers, I am still there. At the same time, I have two teens and one tween and everything in between, which means I have much of the mothering spectrum covered simultaneously.

I can certainly say that raising toddlers and younger kids has its challenges, raising teens is a different experience entirely. I admit that I don’t have all the answers and I make plenty of mistakes, but raising teens thus far has taught me a few things.

The interesting thing about raising teens is that they have minds of their own. Of course toddlers have minds of their own as well, but teens have their own minds in a much deeper way. As if that isn’t enough, as parents we not only have to deal with the minds of our own kids, but we also have to deal with the minds of their friends in many cases since our teens are also influenced, at least in part, by their friends. Even if your teens have friends that you greatly respect, I have found that there will always be differences in the family their friends are being raised in from the family environment that you are raising your kids in. This can add to the dynamic of communicating with your teen.

In an ideal world, your teens will always defer to the things you say to them, teach them, and explain to them, but even in the best circumstances, this is not always the case, at least not initially. Sometimes their friends just hold more credibility than you do in the eyes of your teen.

Just this past weekend I got into a heated discussion with my oldest about something that we do not allow in our home when it is allowed in her friend’s home….and her friend’s parents and home environment are very similar to ours. In this case, my daughter was feeling as though we were rejecting not only the thing that was not being allowed into our home but also her friend. While we were not rejecting her friend, it took a lot of talking and reeling in of emotions to finally get to the point of understanding in this situation.

The truth is, as our kids get older and become teens, they must have more freedom to make their own decisions, but our guidance must still be fully present. Knowing how to effectively communicate with your teen is a huge part of this.

When it comes to communicating with your teen, I find there to be some necessary ingredients in communicating successfully.

Here are my 10 ways to speak with your teen in truth and love.

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Love unconditionally

Love them unconditionally and make sure they know of your unconditional love at all times. This simple thing is so necessary and is the foundation on which any effective conversation will be built.

Accept them unconditionally

This is another one of those foundational things. Your kids, especially your teens, must know that they are accepted regardless of what they do or don’t do just as much as they need to know that they are loved. In the case of both unconditional love and unconditional acceptance, they need to be demonstrated in everyday life, day in and day out. You need to tell them and show them that they are loved and accepted unconditionally.

Remember

When talking with my teen I find it so effective to remember what it was like to be a teen myself right off the bat. Teens are hormonal, which makes them emotional and often unreasonable in addition to other crazy things at times. It is amazing how when I remember what it was like to be a teen, I immediately begin to empathize and the situation starts to become a bit diffused. Whether you are dealing with a teen son or daughter, remembering how things were when you were a teen greatly helps you see things from your teen’s perspective.

Speak softly

When dealing with teens and their issues, especially if they are heated issues at all, it is quite natural to express yourself a bit on the the louder side of things. Focusing on speaking softly greatly helps keep a lid on the situation at hand.

Listen first

If you want to get your teen off the defensive side of things, just listen to them first. I know, they can say some pretty ridiculous things, but listening first really does help your teen be a bit more open to hearing what you have to say.

Repeat

Good communication always involves repeating back what you think you heard the other person say. This includes communicating with your teen. When they speak to you, and then you listen, the next step would be to repeat back what you heard them say. It’s amazing how often we only think we know what someone said.

Pause when necessary

When dealing with others in a variety of situations, it really is all about the pause. Pausing before we rush into something often keeps us from saying or doing something that we later regret. In communicating with your teen, pause before you speak, even if just for a moment.

Offer options

Your kids are older. They need opportunities to practice doing things right…and that also means doing them wrong at times. Giving your teens options at times, options that are all acceptable to you, gives them a feeling of control, which is a good thing. If they are having a sense of control when it comes to options you are providing, your teen will be practicing what it means to make decisions in a healthy way. After all, they have to learn how to make good decisions, have options, and choose what is best while they are still under the protection of your roof.

Tell them you love them

Whenever you communicate with your teen, verbally tell them within that conversation that you love them. Really, you can’t ever tell your kids that you love them enough, especially your teens.

Give them space

We all like space don’t we? I know I have a hard time communicating with someone and having them demand answers or a response from me right in that moment. Giving your teens space within the context of a conversation communicates respect, and your teens want to feel respected by you. The simple act of offering space communicates so much to others.

Maintaining a relationship that is deeply rooted in truth and love with your teen isn’t difficult, it just takes some forethought, some intentionality, and some self control in the thick of things. Try these things out for yourself and see how the communication with your teen will flourish.

This post is reflection of the book we are reading as a book club community. This is the book we are reading.

Raising Grateful Kids in an Entitled World

Here is a bit more about our book club…

This book club is a way of encouraging others to carve out the time to read at a pace of just two chapters a week because I’ve learned that finding time to read never just happens on its own.

Generally, every Monday and Thursday there will be blog posts here with Monday’s Inspirational Reads somewhere in the title with my reaction to each of the two chapters for the week.