How to Deal With Disobedience – Inspirational Reads Chapter 6

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Does dealing with disobedience exhaust you? I think it gets the best of us at times because if you’ve been a parent your any length of time, then you know this is an ongoing process. While it is never fun, we all find ourselves dealing with disobedience at times.

Although I have repeatedly mentioned that I am far from a parenting expert, nor I have done everything right, I wanted to preface this post with this admission again. With that said, I think that we as moms have so much wisdom to offer one another along this parenting journey that we are all walking.  

The one thing I know for certain in terms of dealing with disobedience, is that in order for discipline or correction to be effective it needs to be something that is so much deeper than fixing the surface issue at hand.

We all know how effective it would be to solve the problem of the low fuel light in our car by covering the symbol up on our dashboard. Likewise, if we ignore the low fuel light it only leads to deeper problems.  Disobedience works in much the same way.

So, how does one administer effective discipline or correction? In my experience there is no right answer, other than to say that it is a matter of reaching the heart of your child. Following are the steps that I follow in order to speak to the heart while correcting behavior.

This is how I handle it when dealing with disobedience.

disobedience

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1. First is examining your own heart to determine if this problem exists because of something you are carrying or harboring.

This can be hard to do, but it is something that we do often do as moms. If we are sensitive to something our child does because it is oddly familiar to us as something that our spouse or our parent does or has done that has wounded us, we need to address that wound first so that we can examine the issue with open eyes and an open heart.

2. If there is no issue or it has been dealt with, proceed by asking your child for their account of what happened, including the “why.”

Often, you need to read between the lines of what your child is communicating. Kids frequently speak in code, especially if you live with teen girls, I should know 😉 Oftentimes they tell us how we can “fill their love tank” when explaining their side of the story (and yes, it is important to let them plead their case). So often disobedience involves an element of a misunderstanding or a lack of feeling as though needs have been met. Putting the time and effort into this step can often help shed light on how to proceed moving forward.

3. In the next step, I require my kids to tell me what they feel is at the root of their behavior (selfishness, envy, pride etc).

It is so much more effective to administer correction if they acknowledge the issue first. Whether they identify the problem or you do, this is where it needs to be identified so it can be addressed. I have listed some great resources in our character curriculum that define and speak eloquently on character issues.

4. If my kids are old enough, I require them to research Bible verses that speak to this specific character issue, both in the positive and the negative.

Sometimes I allow them to use this book, For Instruction in Righteousness: A Topical Reference Guide for Biblical Child-Training or this book, Creative Correction as an aid. If they are not old enough for this step, I require them to define the character root as well as its opposite trait. For instance, if we were dealing with laziness, they would have to define laziness and then tell me that the opposite trait is diligence.

5. Once we have clearly defined the root (the negative behavior) and the opposite (the positive behavior), we talk about how the situation could have been handled properly.

At times I have my kids role play with me to accomplish this. It is important to make sure they understand how to do it differently next time, don’t rush this step.

6. Next would be to apologize to the person or persons they have offended.

Oftentimes that is me if it is just a disobedience issue, but the apology needs to be sincere and heartfelt in order to be accepted. Included would be an acknowledgement of how their behavior made the offended person feel, if appropriate.

7. This is the point where I inform them of a “punishment.”

It might be a loss of a privilege, it might be that they are given a way they are to serve the person they offended by doing some chores, or sometimes if appropriate, my kids do some good old fashioned line writing or Bible verse copying.

The punishment varies as much as the crime does, but it must always fit the crime. For instance, being neglectful in doing a chore often means extra work for added practice. If the offense is a repeated or ongoing issue, the punishment becomes more harsh as well.

I often remind my kids that my job is not to make sure that they have nice life filled with nice things and experiences, but that my main objective is shaping them into the person God created them to be. They need to learn to be obedient to me so they can learn to be obedient to God.

With my older kids, I continue with reminding them that their time in my house could very well be coming to an end in only a few years. When they are not living with me they can do whatever they want, but they will still have to be accountable to God, only without my guidance and umbrella of protection in between. Also, don’t be afraid to get back to them with a punishment if you need some time to think and pray about it.

8. Finally, they admit their wrongdoing to God, offering sincere admission and then praying for forgiveness and strength to do it different the next time.

I do allow my older kids to do this step on their own if they choose.

I wish I could say that these are the steps I follow every time, but like you, life is busy sometimes and doing so just isn’t possible for one reason or another. Sometimes it is just laziness on my part, but I do let them know that we will revisit an issue later. Then, we implement these steps at that time. I feel it is better to be delayed than to be rushed.

The overall objective in correction or discipline is for your child to walk away knowing and feeling that they are loved. I remind them that it is because I love them that I discipline and correct them.

You know your child, make sure that when you walk away, this vital step has been accomplished. Feel free to use the steps I take as a springboard to developing a set of your own, or follow these steps closely, either way, you know your children best and the calling you have received to be their mom.

Having a structure in place and that is consistent is key no matter what that system is. My overall objective is to parent in grace so in whatever I do, I make sure that I feel grace has been extended to my child.

This post is reflection of the book we are reading as a book club community. This is the book we are reading.

Raising Grateful Kids in an Entitled World

Here is a bit more about our book club…

inspirational reads

This book club is a way of encouraging others to carve out the time to read at a pace of just two chapters a week because I’ve learned that finding time to read never just happens on its own.

Generally, every Monday and Thursday there will be blog posts here with Monday’s Inspirational Reads somewhere in the title with my reaction to each of the two chapters for the week.

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